Simon Says Issues Apology Letter to Americans for Training Dr. Fauci
Young Anthony was a star pupil during rigorous playground training sessions, but he may have taken what he learned from the children’s game a little too far
Dear American People,
As we head into the third year of living with the Covid-19 induced pandemic, I feel that I owe you an apology. No, I was not responsible for developing the virus in a lab. And no, I was not one of those assholes who refused to wear a mask on the airplane when we were still unsure if Covid-19 would yield outcomes similar to the Black Death. Despite what some people may think of me — given my proclivity for bossiness and encouraging children to do idiotic things like jump in the air on one foot or bark like a dog whilst running full boar into the side of a building — I can assure you that I am not a total jerk.
However, my little game, the goal of which is to help young minds distinguish between genuine and fake commands, may be the reason that your trusted source for pandemic-related best practices has landed you in such a precarious situation.
The thing is, if I had known that young Anthony “Lil’ Tone” Fauci would one day be in charge of steering the ship of a pervasive virus, I would have insisted he let the other children play the role of Simon during our rigorous training sessions. But, my ego got the best of me. I was just so proud of how well he mastered the art of getting those wimpy, whiny juveniles to fall for basically anything, quickly and with no remorse. In fact, at one point during a particularly intense session, he actually convinced half of his training mates to walk blindfolded to the edge of a cliff. Had I not interjected they would have surely waltzed on over! He was that good. At one point, I even remember thinking: “By jove, I may need to rename this game Anthony Says.”
Anyway, back to my sincere apology. I need you to understand that, in retrospect, I should have paid much closer attention to Lil’ Tone’s antics. At the time, what seemed like a young tike having fun and pushing the boundaries of his burgeoning borderline sociopathic mind, now appears to have paved the way for him to say anything — expecting you, the American people, to fall in line. His genuine commands are confused with fake commands; it’s impossible to distinguish what is what:
To mask or not to mask.
To booster or not to booster.
To rely on scientific modeling, or not to rely on scientific modeling.
Should you believe that it’s best to spend the rest of your holidays completely avoiding grandma, because it’s perfectly healthy for her to be isolated and possibly die alone? Or should you believe that sitting six feet apart around a firepit, singing gospel hymns and recounting old stories about grandpa is the best alternative?
Oy vey! What to do?
I hate to say it, but it does seem like ever since he was nominated for People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” (do the judges have eyeballs?) Anthony has become even more bossy and bold in his demands on the American people. And for this, I am truly sorry.
If I could take it all back I would. If I hadn’t let my own ego get in the way, I would have had the wherewithal to nip this all in the bud. When Lil’ Tone shouted at 7-year-old Cassandra to “take off your shoes and run across that hot bed of coals, now,” and she did it without hesitation, I should have picked up that brat by his britches and said, authoritatively: Simon says you need a spanking!
But alas, here you are. Amidst another surge, led by a man who seems to expect all to jump when he says jump. If I can give you one word of parting advice, from the ultimate bossy pants himself, it is this: Simon Says do your own homework, in the most basic sense of that idiom.
With my utmost, sincere regrets,
Simon Says
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Read more from Simon Says on my Points in Case column. Learn more about Lil’ Tone from Bobby Kennedy here. Pre-order my upcoming book Champagne for One if you want to take your mind off anything having to do with Dr. Fauci.
